Psych 1.1 - Pilot

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<p>Thursday, June 5, 2008Pilot Episode Psych Transcript 1.1Psych Pilot Episode1986 Santa Barbara, CA - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father.Henry: You do your homework?Shawn: Uh-huh.Henry: Finish those beets?Shawn: Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?Henry: Close your eyes.Shawn: Dad, I dont wannaHenry: Now.Shawn: Ugh. Shawn closes his eyes.Henry: Which letter is out in the exit sign?Shawn: The X.Henry: What color is the vinyl?Shawn: Whats vinyl?Henry: Its the stuff these seats are covered in.Shawn: Purple.Henry: Maroon, close enough. Managers name?Shawn: Who?Henry: Shes wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.Shawn recalls the moment they entered the diner.Henry: You saw her.Shawn remembers seeing the womans name tag.Shawn: Marie. Can I have the cake now?Henry: How many hats?Shawn: Ugh, come on, Dad!Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?With eyes still shut, Shawn tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats.Shawn: Does a beanie count?Henry: What do you think?Shawn: Three.Henry: You didnt describe them.Shawn: Thats not fair.Henry: Times almost up, Shawn.Shawn: One has a flower, the one the ladys wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.Henry: What about the beanie?Shawn: A beanies a cap, not a hat.Henry: All right, open your eyes.Shawn: Thank you!Marie: Wow, thats amazing.Henry: Its adequate. Get him his cake.Marie: I guess I know what youre gonna be when you grow up.Shawn: Oh, Im never gonna grow up, maam.2006Still Santa Barbara. Shawn is at his apartment kissing his date.Girl: Nice place.Shawn: Thank you.Shawn accidentally turns on the TV.Man on TV: precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.Girl: I knew you were gonna be my best table.Shawn moans. Dana sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.Dana:voicing her concerns regarding the departments long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?Shawn sneaks a peek at the TV.Joe: Were at a loss, we really dont know what else to do. Its been a tough few weeks, weve basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, the the police will b e able to crack this one for us.Dana: Closing the books on Divisions break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.Shawn reaches for the phone.Girl: What are you doing?Shawn: Im calling the police.Girl: Any particular reason?Shawn: I think I just closed a case.Girl: You didnt tell me youre a cop.Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.Girl: Mmmm.Shawn: Does that disappoint you?Girl: I just thought you might have handcuffs.Shawn: Oh, I have handcuffs. Hello?Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.Shawn: Ah, its the store manager, he did it.Woman on Phone: Pardon me?Shawn: Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. Hes on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he wont look at the reporter in the eyes.Woman on Phone: And your name is?Shawn: My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.Woman on Phone: And is there anything else today?Shawn: No, thats gonna do it.Dana: retailers are waiting and hopingShawn: Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but thats completely unrelated.The following day, Shawn Spencer arrives at the police station. He goes over to the desk sergeant who is on the phone.Shawn: Hello, officer.Desk Sgt.: Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.Shawn sees the various lucky charms on the officers station.Desk Sgt.: Yeah.Shawn: Hi.The officer is still on the phone.Desk Sgt: It was amazing.Shawn: Im Shawn Spencer.The officer points at the bench.Desk Sgt.: And the other thing isWell, no, Im not gonna pay for it.Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, thats not for me. Uh, Im here for a commendation I called in a tip.The officer points at the bench.Desk Sgt.: Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I cant pay for that.Shawn: Heres the thing. These are new pants.The officer now looks annoyed and again points to the bench.Shawn: Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right.Shawn sits on the bench where another man sits.Desk Sgt.: Eighty dollars is a lot for a reading. But she was astounding. I mean, she knew about Grannys childhood, and the curious she left Bobby. I mean, I could literally feel her spirit in the room.Shawn looks at the man sitting beside him. The man has Bloodthirsty tattooed on his forehead and a teardrop on his cheek.Shawn: Get out of here. You know I have the same tattoo. They spelled bloodthirsty wrong on mine, can you believe it?The man lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.Shawn: I cannot believe you didnt test that out first.A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.Officer: One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three.Shawn turns his attention back to the man beside him and sees shards of glass on the roll of his sleeves.Shawn: Whatd you do? Bust up your ex-wifes car?Man: Her new boyfriends.Shawn: Thatll teach her.Man: They got no witnesses.Shawn: Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.The man looks at his sleeve.Shawn: Just a tip.Man: Gee, thanks, guy.Shawn: Sure.The man brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.Later, Officer Buzz McNab escorts Shawn Spencer to a room.Officer McNab: Right this way, Mr. Spencer.Shawn: So, when do I get my money?A woman detective opens the door.Lucinda: Money?Shawn: Yeah, the reward?Shawn enters the interrogation room.Shawn: You guys arrested the store manager, am I right?Lassiter: Why dont you let us ask the questions for a while?Shawn: Okay.Shawn takes a seat, and observes from the reflection on the one-way mirror that Lassiter is playing with the hair of his partner, Lucinda.Shawn: So, which questions might those be?Lassiter: Oh, I dont know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?Shawn: I was robbing a stereo shop.Shawn laughs.Shawn: I wasnt. I dont know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.Lassiter: Youre not helping your case here.Shawn: My case? Wait, wait, wait. Im actually a suspect?Lassiter: Oh, youre our lead suspect.Shawn: I gave you the guy.Lassiter: He had a partner.Shawn: I have to find that guy? Im confused. When do you start chipping in?Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.Shawn: Inside of what? Look, Ive called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. LikeLassiter looks at the contents of a file folder.Lassiter: Oh, youre currently unemployed. Youve never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.Shawn: I was 18.Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well, that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out!Shawn: I borrowed a car.Lassiter: You stole a car.Shawn: To impress a girl.Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.Shawn: Would it help at all if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was 0 for high school? Okay, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson.Lassiter: Did you learn it?Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so, sure.Lassiter: Well, pardon me if Im just a little skeptical. Believable, as it is, that you solved all these crimesIm sorry, what was it?Lassiter looks at the file.Lassiter: Watching the local Channel 8 News reports.Shawn: I confess. Thats not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.Lassiter: So, youre telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.Shawn: Cant you?Lassiter: Dont you try and trivialize police work.Shawn: I think youre doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. You cant keep me here, guys. I know my rights.Shawn stands up and makes his way to the door.Lassiter: Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.Lassiter: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.Shawn chuckles.Shawn: Wait a minute, youre serious?Lassiter: A few hours in a holding cell might job your memory.Shawn takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained. Shawn gulps.Lucinda: Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. Thats all we need. How did you get this information?Lassiter: No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.Officer Allen, the desk sergeant arrives and cuffs Shawn.Shawn: Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?Lucinda: Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.Shawn looks at Officer Allen, sees her crystal necklace and other lucky charms, and has a bright idea.Shawn: Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I got the information, becauseIm a psychic.Officer Allen drops the cuffs.Lassiter: Get him out of here.Shawn: Oh, boy.Shawn pretends to lose his balance then looks at Officer Allen.Shawn: Your grandma would be so proud.Officer Allen: You spoke to her?Shawn: I did. Shes safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.Officer Allen: The palm readers?Shawn: The palm readers.Shawn puts his hand on the womans cheek.Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, youre claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.Shawn exclaims.Shawn: How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. OneShawn turns to Officer McNabShawn: Whens the wedding?McNab: May 3rd. Wait, howd you know?Shawn: Im getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.McNab: Wow, thats amazing.Lassiter: Oh, come on. Whos buying this?Officer McNab and one of the prisoners raise their hand.Shawn: I got it. Go to detention room number two, shake down your vandal. Youll find all the evidence you need.Shawns left foot starts shaking.Shawn: All the evidence is in his left shoe.Detective Lucinda rolls her eyes.Lassiter: Well be back here in three minutes.Lassiter makes his way out, looks at Officer Allen.Lassiter: With my own cuffs.Shawn sighs.Shawn: Whoa!Later, Shawn Spencer is talking to Officer Allen. Another officer leads the tattooed man to his cell.Shawn: Im gettingI am getting the letter L.Officer Allen: Lulu! Her dog! Is there anything else she said?Shawn: Uh, theres suddenly a very, very negative presence here. Its blocking me.Lassiter and Lucinda are watching him from afar.Lassiter: That was a lucky guess.Lucinda: A lucky guess?Lassiter: He planted it. I dont know.Lucinda: His alibi checks.Shawn is still talking with Officer Allen.Shawn: Question. Do I pay taxes on reward money?Officer Allen: Ill find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch!Shawn and Officer Allen touch their forefinger. Shawn leaves. Lassiter approaches Officer Allen glares at her. Shawn steps out of the police precinct.Shawn: Doctor?Police Officer: Yeah.A pregnant woman steps out of the police precinct and calls for Shawn.Chief: Not so fast Mr. Spencer. Karen Vick, Interim Police Chief.Shawn: I know.Chief: Heard about what you did in there.Shawn: Oh, youre welcome.Chief: That wasnt the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, improbable. Possible, yet, unlikely.Shawn: Look, its hard to explain. Im gifted. I was born that way.Chief: I knew your father, he was a good cop. Youre nothing like him.Shawn: I take that as a compliment, maam.Chief: Dont ever call me maam.Shawn: Am I still free to go?Chief: Not exactly. You familiar with the McCallum family?Shawn: McCallum? Yeah, they own half the hill.Chief: Well, theres been a kidnapping.Shawn: Oh, come on. I had nothing to do with that.Chief: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case, and I need to make some progress. What I need is a miracle, or a facsimile of one.Shawn: Oh. I see, I see. Well, I make $1,200 a day.Chief: Its a tryout.Shawn: Thats what I meant to say. This is pro bono, something for you.Chief: And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute. You know hindering a police investigation is a criminal offense?Shawn: Sounds good! Were on the same team now! Kidnappers beware!Shawn chuckles.Later, Shawn enters Gus office.Shawn: I have a job for you.Gus: I already have a job.Shawn: Theyre paying you to play video games?Gus: How do you do that?Shawn: Come on, left hand, space bar, right hand, arrow keys? Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.Gus ends the game.Gus: I cant go anywhere. Im behind on my route. Ive got new samples of serum moxacillin.Shawn pulls out one of Gus drawers.Shawn: Oh, man, Im sorry I didnt realize the new butt cream had come in. So, youre not interested in hearing about doing the thing weve been dreaming of doing since we were eight? Ive got us the last job we will ever need.Gus chortles.Gus: Shawn, youve had 57 jobs since we left high school.Shawn: Yes, I have. And they were all fun, but this one takes the cake.Gus: Oh, yeah? Better than your acupuncture clinic?Shawn: I didnt realize experience was necessary.Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the wiener mobile?Shawn: I did that for the hotdogs. Look, Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it, then I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.Gus: Uh, no. Im never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border, twice.Shawn: Okay, this is hard to explain, but Im going to give it a shot. Youand I.are opening our own private detective agency.Gus: Oh, see? No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.Gus pretends to leave his seat, but then he just plays with his computer.Shawn: But youre not getting your coat.Gus: Ah, no, no, Shawn, Im not.Shawn: All right, you want to sweat the details? Fine. The cops think Im a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping.Gus: Youre serious?Shawn: Yes, I am serious! Six days ago, Camden McCallum, Jr., sole male heir to McCallum Textiles, was seen being forced into his Range Rover at the municipal dog park. No one has seen him, or the dog since.Gus: They took the dog?Shawn: You see what I mean? I need you. I need you to write stuff down. Cause you know how I zone out when other people talk.Gus: Just for today?Shawn: Just today. Oh, and you know what? You should bring your sample case, because some of those forensics guys probablyGus: Whoa! Theres gonna be forensics guys there?Shawn and Gus are in the car.Shawn: All right, pay attention. Eighteen months ago, Camden McCallum ran his fathers Cigarette boat into the Morrow Bay aquarium. That was right after he got caught with that hockey players wife.Gus: Yeah, I remember that.Shawn: The guy hadnt been out of the paper in five years. Since that day, nothing. Not a single news story. Not so much as a dented motorcycle.Gus: Okay. What do you think?Shawn: I think Camden McCallum is too god at what he does to stop. Not...</p>